when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize