I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize