I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
