Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I love having hate sex.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
