I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
