Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
