i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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