wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
