Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Come on in and take your pants off
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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