wrigley field is MILF paradise
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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