you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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