I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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