There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
