I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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