I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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