There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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