party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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