college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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