There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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