Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
