so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my mouth tastes like poor choices
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Are my feet made of real feet?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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