i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I want a musical about memes.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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