I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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