Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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