Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
