Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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