So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
