My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
