I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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