Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
