Swine flu. Run for my life!
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
not ubering you a puppy
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
