If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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