the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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