Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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