I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
