I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it glows. i had to have it.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
