I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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