Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
