oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
