Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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