Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
