the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
