Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Semen is not good for contacts.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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