i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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