new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
A+ Viking dick
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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