So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
