Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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