and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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