Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
