I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Randomize
