when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
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