We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
