dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
