i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
