Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
