I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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