i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
